All Reviews by Geronibear
|Pussyman's Big Tit Paradise #1|
Studio: Feline Films
Murphy's Law Got The Pussyman
having seen this movie rated, but not reviewed, elsewhere, i wondered how a great producer/director like david "pussyman" christopher could get such lousy ratings with such a dynamite cast. now i know. seems like if an idea could flop, it did flop.
how could he blow it? for starters, he could use long teasing preludes on each scene, and try to jazz them up with arty photography of color shifts, stroboscobic motion, and so on -- so much of it that you get a headache. then he could really disappoint the donita fans with a "blow job only" scene. in case that didn't sink his ratings, he could then waste dolly golden and t.j. hart on a "lez only" scene. and for the coup de gras, he could annoy fans of "ms. double everything" bridgette kerkove by letting skeeter kerkove describe what you're about to see in his "lecherous con man" voice.
the movie contains all these boo-boos and more. the great three-way with cheyenne and candy cotton and the double stuffing of ms. kerkove aren't enough to save it. even the legendary pussyman can have a bad week.
Bang, Then Fizzle
it's a shame the metro "knockers" series is getting so hard to find. they put out a lot of good gonzo in this line, like the first four scenes of this movie. in those four, you get dp scenes of wendy knight, sana fey, and dawn burning (dawn daley). you also get a rare full-bore hardcore appearance of kalani (kiki morgan), the hawaiian maui-wowee girl. but after that, you might as well eject the disk. what's left is an r-rated fake-sex scene with julie rage, a lot of it annoying slow motion, and two lesbian scenes. although, in the last scene, it was interesting to see the contrast between tall, slinky gorgeous blonde debi diamond and short, cute, busty amanda addams, i'd rather see both in straight scenes. still, as a final result, this movie beats most of the stuff produced today. i grab a "knockers" movie wherever i can find one, always see something i like, and often see a real collector's item of a scene.
|Pussyman Auditions #6|
Rare Item And Worth It
The Pussyman Auditions series is semi-impromptu, and as such, often suffers from bad lighting and jiggly, hand-held cameras that lurch off-scene. This one is no exception. Somehow David Christopher still managed to film priceless scenes of big-stars-to-be. In this one, it's Blake Mitchell, who has your wide-eyed attention from the moment she steps on camera in black T-shirt and shorts with white handprints painted on the bosom and fanny. Ms. Mitchell alone is worth the flick -- cover girl Jordan Hart could be really good, too, but her scene suffered badly from poor camera angles, so it's a teaser to make you want to catch her better scenes.
Studio: Brandon Iron Productions
Fantastic, Except ......
this movie starts off the series of five with a real bang -- well, five real bangs. avy scott is lust incarnate who could sell the movie by herself; paired with porn legend sean michaels, they sell the whole series. they're a hard act to follow, but the others still do a creditable job. jane darling deserves special mention for her exceptional talent in handling two guys at once, and not just for keeping good oral contact with one guy while being bounced around by another below. in about 95% of dp shots the guy on the bottom barely moves because the girl will lose him, and the guy on top does all the pumping -- but not so with jane darling! she even pumps back at both of them if they slack off! on the down side, i didn't care for mike long's (a.k.a. michael stefano's) bossy treatment of bellissima (a.k.a. anita queen). any guy lucky enough to make it with that knockout sex goddess ought to swallow the male chauvinism stuff, and jerking her head around when she doesn't comply as demanded shows no mercy whatsoever for the fact that she's a czech import who is still learning english. but that wasn't enough to torpedo the five-star rating director brandon iron almost got with this one. what sank it was how many times the anal action was interrupted to show off the "gape." this does nothing except to destroy the continuity and momentum of the sex, and if you lose that, you've lost the stroking material. it's an outstanding movie except for that, though!
|White Trash Whore #9|
Studio: JM Productions
Hot Porn With Humor
one unusual thing about the "white trash whore" series is that it usually has a semblance of plot, and that plot will usually involve a semi-slapstick comic performance by dave hardman. this is one of them; elsewhere in the series, dave teams up with herschel savage to make the funniest pair of redneck hicks since vern and earnest. dave was pretty good in this one, except he couldn't keep his lines straight about whether randi storm was his white trash whore wife, cousin, or neighbor. as for the sexual content: for those who don't know the capabilities of randi storm, she's the maximum-capacity blonde who did the final scene of "18-inch anal club" with tony duncan; here, a gangbang dp is a piece of cake for her, and she does a good job of letting you know she enjoys it ... especially with dave tied to a chair and forced to watch. the role of "middle scene second actress" (usual formula for the series) goes to jessica jewel. jessica doesn't get a lot of good press, being essentially a b-string pornstress, but she's a personal favorite of mine, for the latina face and hair, the big boobs and areolas, and the sweetly snide, dirty-talking voice she uses to taunt and encourage guys to service her. jessica, too, is in top form, here. i have to highly recommend this movie and the whole series!
|Tits of Persuasion|
if you have a food fetish, wow, is this the flick for you! you get chocolate syrup on kiki, beer on olivia, more chocolate on allysin, chocolate, strawberry, honey and i forget what else on kianna, and end with whipped cream on tia.
if, on the other hand, you're like me and think that dirty action looks best with clean people -- and, also like me, believe that silicone is better than no boobs at all* -- well, even then, you still get a decent big-boob gonzo movie except for the parts they messed up -- and i mean "messed" up.
(* footnote: tia gunn has been a favorite of mine ever since her performance in "big bust babes #30," years ago -- but she's never topped that one since, and part of the reason is too much breast enhancement, beyond "big" into "ridiculous." -- but i still see every flick of hers i can.)
Saturday Night At The Mink Ranch?
This should have come off, with me, as a real winner, as it has three of my favorite actresses. Instead, I found it tedious and not very arousing. It's a good illustration of all the not-so-bright stuff in 2000's porn: gag, slobber, spit (including in partner's faces), violent, almost brutal -- like a National Geographic film about mating weasels and minks, rabid ones. Not much to do with human sexuality, really, just animals. Okay, some girls can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, and Ariana can lick the jizz off the whole car. So? Halfway through her scene I was getting deja vu of Math Statistics One, permutations and combinations -- given three pegs and three holes, each of which can accomodate two pegs, how many different ... and it wasn't any more exciting than the math course was.
|Needy Housewives #1|
Good Stuff And Junk
this movie has long solo teases before every scene, as bad as any big top or channel 69 movie. it also badly overworks the theme of a housewife taking on two plumbers -- it seems they even re-cycle the work shirts from one scene to the next. but it does have good performances from some knockout 40-something stripper types, including an anal scene with tara moon (which is very rare). carolyn monroe is such a turn-on she could drown a guy in his own testosterone. the main reason i don't rate it higher, though, is because it has ava loudmouth devine. between carolyn and ava, we get demonstrations of the right and wrong ways for a porn actress to use the f-word. when carolyn says it, it's in a sexy voice with "me" or "my" after it, and often with a hot, penetrating stare that makes you want to answer "yes, ma'am!" ava, on the other hand, uses the word indiscriminately, often without relation to sex, and she shouts it. i wouldn't take ava devine to mcdonald's for fear she'd holler at the crew that she "f----g wants a f----g cheeseburger and f----g fries." fortunately, ava is good at deep throat. she needs to do more of it, because it makes her "shut the f--- up."
|Needy Housewives #2|
if you've seen "milf cruiser #1," then you've seen the best half of this movie. specifically, the lisa lee, diane diamonds, and denise davies scenes are the same in both. both movies were released the same year, so who knows which is the orginal?
needy housewives #1, although not spectacular, at least had a different scenario (like plumbers coming to the house and getting attacked by the horny housewife) -- this one didn't even have that, it's just another bang-bus flick. after a while, that theme gets pretty old.
A Gothic Gaffer, Perhaps?
a compilation such as this, derived from one studio, gives us a chance to see consistent trends, good or bad, that permeate that studio's work. the most obvious trend at wicked, judging from this collection, would be that their scenes are rather dark, often poorly lit; the result is as gothic as the first "batman" movie. one is tempted to blame the gaffer, but it's more likely the various directors who are to blame. this might be "arty," but it's the antithesis of "explicit," and porn is about explicit sex. now, counting dark marks against the movie, add a couple of all-lesbian scenes (which i feel belong strictly in all-lesbian movies). there are also two three-ways in which the second woman is the lez-only actress devinn lane, just cluttering them up. there are a number of one-position sex scenes, and a disappointing oral-only scene. there is a lot of great talent, and there are a lot of big udders, but the studio themselves said it best: "not just four hours, but four wicked hours" -- catch is, that's not a good thing, not even up to "average." and, a wicked "hour" is only about 50 minutes, leaving room for a couple more scenes to fill the advertised four hours. the most positive thing i can say about this collection is that it's useful for identifying actresses and actors, as each scene credits the original movie and the players in the selected scene.
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