All Reviews by Geronibear
|Titty Mania #13|
False Advertising: No Sara Jay
The advertising and cover say this movie has Sara Jay. So do the credits. She appears in the gallery. But she doesn't have a scene in the movie. Played straight through, there are three scenes, Ava, Mason, and Brooke -- and then its over after only about an hour. From the scene selection menu, you have a choice of Ava or two places each in Mason and Brooke's scenes -- but no Sara.
I did find a lot to like in what's there; for one thing, Ava Devine's loud mouth was almost under control, without the tedious, random, and sexually irrelevant cussing in so many of her other scenes. And I got a laugh out of the big-band jazz sound track with a hot trombone solo while Ava was blowing the guy's trombone. In fact, the only thing wrong with that nice, jazzy sound track was that they muted the trumpets instead of muting Ava. Mason Storm is new to me, here, and she really came off well. Brooke Hunter is a personal favorite, and not just for the things most guys like -- I also like that full, square bucket jaw of hers that gives her a valkyrian look, like she stepped out of fantasy-adventure painting wearing a horned helmet and armored bra cups and not much else.
But I wanted to see Sara, and she wasn't there. Sorry, Heatwave, rip-offs get you bottom ratings no matter what good stuff you did include.
|Big Natural Tits #1|
Studio: Big Top
Low Sex-To-Time Ratio Equals Low Rating.
The best part of this movie is the women -- three dynamite, all-natural, big-boob divas. The worst part is how they're misused. Every scene starts with a long solo section running from strip tease to masturbation, so you're 15 minutes into the flick, in Sheridan Leigh's scene, before you even see a man and woman together. They waste 12 minutes of Carmen Hayes the same way. Thankfully, this section in Lisa Sparxxx's scene is only five minutes long -- but her whole scene is too short, as well. I'd be tempted to name this time-padding syndrome after Big Top or Sam Xavier, but that's not fair, as there are other producers who do the same horse hockey. There are other problems; Carmen's scene suffers from the curse of new millennium porn, the slobbery blow job -- all the way to her knees, which should have been all the way to the cutting room floor. On the positive side, there wasn't that much rubbing male organs in cleavage, which is usually a big drawback of bust-themed movies (is that sex? Not according to some politicians' attorneys ...). And on the REALLY positive side, all three women gave a good, full-view reverse cowgirl sex shot that looks like they're ravishing their partner. In fact, when tall, big-boned Lisa Sparxxx is on top and slamming down on her stud, you could debate if sex with her is something to die for, or something that could kill a guy -- but I don't think any man lucky enough to be underneath her would care. Yes, there is good porn in this movie, five-star quality; but divide the good minutes by the total time and I come up with two, maybe two and a half, stars.
|Happy Fucking Birthday|
Lots Of Blonde Dynamite
the title applies mainly to the first scene, nicki hunter's, although there's also a party theme to allison kilgore's "college kegger" dp scene. both of those are top favorites of mine, but i was surprised to find out nicki can also act -- in fact, she's pretty funny. there are three other good scenes with katie kaliana, nina ferrari, and (i think) vanilla skye. the only bad mark i give this movie is the horrible letdown of the last scene -- a lez-only ending to an otherwise great straight flick.
|Cream Pie Hunnies #3|
Surprises, Mostly Good
i got this one for nicki hunter, by far my favorite of the actresses in it; but her scene was a disappointment. not her fault -- her stud's. considering the theme of the movie, he needed to save his load about a week longer. and he was an endless stream of yak. if the maxim "porn studs are to be obscene and not heard" doesn't get through to him, then i'd quote what kimberly cummings once said to ron jeremy: "you're just a stunt dick." on the positive side, as much as i've panned ava "loudmouth" devine in other flicks, her scene here is a keeper, mainly because her trio of studs kept her mouth full most of the time, and she did put in a great performance physically. at times, though, her tedious, constant and irrelevant cussing did come through; i swear she must call her car's turn signals "fuckin' left" and "fuckin' right." audrey hollander has a smaller dose of that, too. i was surprised that skinny, flat, tiny jasmine lynn kept my attention. but she did, by making me wonder how she was ever going to fit two well-hung guys into that tiny pelvic cage at the same time. yes, she did it, even without a shoe horn -- unbelievable! but the real surprise is what saves the five star rating in spite of the faults: it's the music! it adds, rather than detracts; it's sort of rhythmic, largely electronic "new age," at times a little eerie, that just seems to fit perfectly and makes good use of your subwoofer for harmonic depth. it impressed me -- and with my education in music composition, that's hard to do. bravo to the sound track's composer!
a whole new definition of "lame!"
How bad do you want to watch Jerry Butler jerk off onto a magazine during a phone sex call? About as much as you want to watch Bill Margold jerk off into a pair of women's panties? You get both in this lame flick. No matter how it fits into the pitiful excuse for a plot, there's still no excusing the waste of the viewer's adult entertainment dollar with such junk. Steer clear of this one!
|Suck'Em Fuck'Em Squeeze'Em Tease'Em #3|
Studio: Big Top
How Fleeting It Is
get a good look, guys; this flick has three of the top young, all-natural jumbo-jug queens, brandy talore, cassandra, and wendy white. sadly, this is a niche in which no young woman lasts very long. soon they'll be fighting the battle their predecessors lost, the dilemma of how to keep the weight off the gut and still keep it on the bust. already, neither brandy nor wendy exposes the midriff on camera. cassandra won't be too far behind. so drool now, and remember. but keep your eyes on that fourth, lesser-endowed girl, tate dakota; she's still going to be sexy when the others are wearing bra size 48-long and performing strictly in tight corsets and bustiers.
that being said, there are four very sexy performances here. so why the two stars off? it's for the amateurish way a cameraman keeps getting caught in the picture in brandy talore's scene. sam xavier and big top demonstrate here, and in numbers four and five, that they don't know that video showing how they made a scene belongs in a "behind the scenes" extra, not in the scene itself, destroying the sense of private intimacy with the actress.
|110% Natural #9|
Studio: Red Light District
Some Good, Some Bad
Alexis Silver, in the first scene, is fantastic, as usual. Some of the others are pretty good, too, notably Tiffany Taylor, whose dirty-talking yet soft and feminine voice is deliciously provocative. The film does include DP, a creme pie, and swallowing. There are some sharp contrasts, for example when Tiffany's quiet, sexy scene is followed by the DP of Annie Cruz, which makes you want to turn down the sound so your neighbors don't think a woman is getting killed in your place. But the most contrast is between Alexis and Gianna. Gianna has the potential to be every bit as good as Alexis, but she blew it here with the most deliberate spitting I've ever seen in a porn scene. She doesn't go one minute without spitting on somebody's privates, even nailing one of the guys from a distance of about three feet while the other one is banging her. I don't know where these young actresses and their directors got the idea that slobber and gagging is erotic -- to me, spitting on something expresses contempt for it, and I hope this is just a passing fad. If all the places Gianna seems about to vomit, and all the places I felt like vomiting from watching her, were edited out, her scene would be about two minutes long. It isn't often I'll let one bad scene knock a movie from five stars to two, but Gianna's did it, here.
|Big Boobs In Buttsville|
Studio: Seymore Butts
One Selling Point
there's one thing about this movie that makes it a "must see:" letha weapons does anal! and if you follow big-boob stars, you figured that wouldn't happen until after the saints won the super bowl. but it's true!
but sadly, that's the only diamond in this lump of coal. seymore butts sometimes seems even more anally-obsessed than skeeter kerkove, in that both of them often forget that women have another socket below the waist we'd like to see plugged -- and here, that also means it's a lot more "buttsville" than "big boobs." so (for example)lucious devin deray is wasted in a scene in which we never get a clear shot of her fabulous hooters during "ordinary" sex. and there is time used up in boring stuff like tom byron conversing with the camera in the bathroom. it ends with a morning scene with seymore looking pretty grubby and taking on girlfriend mari possa, one of those girls who never seems to work with anybody else but seymore butts (you'll know why). i give the movie three stars as an average of five-plus for the rare and precious letha footage, and a big, goose egg zero for the rest of it.
|Big Rack Attack #1|
Studio: Zero Tolerance
Generally Good, But A Couple Real Lemons
this is a compilation of 20 scenes, over half from the “double decker sandwich” series. each is labeled with the names of the actresses and the movie it's from. but at two hours long (average “scene” six minutes) it’s actually more like 20 "endings." so, a caveat: “we don’t know what we missed from the originals.”
there appears to be an over-emphasis on anal sex, which is becoming the boring norm instead of the daring exception, to the point that i groan “without vaginal sex, there's nothing that requires a female.” but there are still several winners, including the scenes with brandy talore, rita faltoyano, avy scott, rayveness, vickie powell, eve laurence, and victoria style. it would be hard to pick a “best” from that bunch. of special note is the way rita faltoyano works the camera, enticing the viewer with those big, beautiful eyes; but victoria style does that very well, too.
there’s also a two-way tie for “worst scene:” one of those is scene 13 in which a big, jumbo-jugged amazon blonde doesn’t do much of anything except fondle her floppies while others have sex (couldn’t they find a defensive lineman big enough to lay that goddess?) the other bad one is the first scene, which adds another to my long list of reasons not to like ava devine: she carries on with all kinds of noise like she’s getting her brains banged out when nobody, including herself, is doing anything to her. that’s a passion as obviously phony as her boob job.
in summation: there’s some good stuff here, but it's not worth running out to grab all the “double decker sandwich” flicks.
|Suck'Em Fuck'Em Squeeze'Em Tease'Em #4|
Studio: Big Top
Flunking Cinematography 101
Four sexy, well-endowed big-boob actresses -- that's the best I can say about this movie. But, as in far too many Big Top productions, this one wastes a lot of time in interviews, strip tease, and even after-sex showers, resulting in a low ratio of hardcore to total time; take one star off right there. But it's also got a bad dose of the second cameraman getting into the main camera's picture during the action -- not just crudely amateurish, but very destructive to the viewer's fantasy that the actress is doing these things in private with himself. That's a blunder that earns a two-star penalty. Then, having wasted so much of the movie with junk padding in the first three scenes, they didn't have enough time left to give Kiki Daire -- possibly the flick's hottest drawing card -- much of a scene at all. One more off. Then there's Kianna's horribly messy blow job, with slobber running down her cleavage and dripping from her nipple -- another star. Then, Kianna and Daphne's dirty talking falls flat, because they use the F-word indiscriminately as an all-purpose adjective on almost every noun that comes out of their mouths, diluting its impact when they finally use it to mean something about sex. There's an obvious and clumsy loop in the ending of Vanessa's hardcore section. And Daphne's partner bosses her around for about half their scene -- doesn't he know that in porn, guys are to be obscene and not heard? If you were keeping score and came up with minus three stars, then you got the picture about this picture.
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