All Reviews by Coolbreeze
“The Best Thing Was the Video Quality”…
The most surprising thing was that for a 70s’ movie the video quality was nearly always above average. The movie opens with a shortie brunette who I believe is ARCADIA LAKE and a tall redhead with an unappealing face. Arcadia has some jacked up malfangled vampirish teeth but beyond that she is pretty appealing. There is a real absence of doggie-style action overall and that had me mostly tuning out. The lezbo action with the two girls was pretty decent including a “double-dong” penetration ending. You will have to endure many goofy tan lines from bathing suits which suddenly is distracting to my eye. There is a brief orgy scene but it is all boring missionary action with most of the penetration concealed (weak sauce). The JOHN HOLMES action is just okay. There was one decent creamy facial finish he gave a blondie. Most of the girls just didn’t physically work for me. Unfortunately, the best camera work was utilized on the ugly redhead. “No bueno”…
|Case Of The Missing Seka Master, The|
“Ron Jon Does it Again”…
There are three tasty scenes in this movie. One consists of a tri-fecta lesbo scene, another with a cute Asian (MELINE MASGLO?) in a MF scene and another with RON JEREMY and a fairly cute brunette (NATALIA HARRIS?) and petite Asian honey (KEANA?). The MFF with “Ron Jon” was the superior scene for me. Watching Ronny boy bury his long-dong doggie-style on that cutie Asian’s sweet ass while she licked box on the brunette was almost too much to take (and eventually was). There were some nice high-angle and medium shots which displayed things beautifully (see box shots and screen shots) and the camera angles were held fairly long. Later Ron goes the “cornroute” on the whitey which looked pretty nice. Ron is looking pretty heinous in this movie which makes it all that more spectacular that he is hammering these “porn” 8.0 or 8.5 girls. The cutting back and forth between these scenes and old Seka scenes is a minor annoyance but mostly doesn’t interrupt the whack factor.
"Watch a Toad Become a Princess..."
Okay, so maybe not a princess...but she's pretty attractive. This is a surreal movie which involves a psychologist, religion and drug users to name a few. The film opens with a vacuum cleaner salesman with two "hoses". Sylvia (the featured actress) morphs from a homely school marm (okay, not old) to a $2.00 whore periodically throughout the film. There are plenty of sex scenes if only the duration of these scenes were longer. The biggest ASSets of this film are the natural bodies, fairly interesting storyline and group sex/orgy. One actress gets restrained and slapped around which seemed a bit over the top. However, the sequence calms down as she leaves the room prior to any sex taking place. The lighting is at times subpar but not horrible. One scene has Sylvia in MMF sex in a "sandbox" style bed. Typical of 70s' films there is some good natural heat but sexual positions aren't held long enough for us to enjoy that heat. Also, they have too many long shots when medium or close-ups would've given the viewer a much better perspective. Overall, this is pretty decent classic 70s' porn but it may be tough for you to "peel the onion".
A Very Accurate Title Indeed...
Becky Savage has one of the best posteriors of the 70s' and beyond. Her face isn't great but her body is comparable to Veronica Hart, Angel and Annette Haven. Watching Johnny Wad take her doggie-style was the highlight of this film. Unfortunately, the film is bogged down with too many flashbacks/flash-forwards. Also, the sex scenes are WAY too short. I thought the overall story was pretty decent and had some nice locations. The worst scene for me was the 2 on 1 (MMF) that took place in a tray of fake auto shop grease. Not visually appealing to me but maybe it works for some.
"A Film Worth Less Than One Hair On A Burro's Butt"...
If I could go into negative stars I would. The premise of the story is the best thing about this film. Maybe one actress has passable looks with the rest possessing looks unworthy of adult movies. The video quality is god awful. I know that other classics like "Behind the Green Door" looked better visually than this. I think the fast forward button on my remote may be broken after this viewing. Please skip this film unless you enjoy grainy, fuzzy, dull visual images and poor sound quality. Chuck Woolery has nothing on me. This DVD was out the door and in the mailbox quicker than -- "Two and Two".
|Bad Girls #2|
“Pretty Babies only Equates to Maybe”…
This movie has pretty girls with nice bodies but at the end of the day it is sabotaged by poor image quality (horrible graininess and washed out lighting) and sex scenes that are often poorly directed. The story is pretty decent with above average execution. Early in the movie a song with “bad girls” in the lyrics plays in a roadhouse bar. This may be one of the better songs ever featured in an xxx movie. Sex occurs in a jailhouse and the stockroom of the bar. Ron Jeremy stars as a deputy sheriff who also starred in Bad Girls #1 (as I recall) where he played the role of a boy scout (albeit much too old). The storyline features four city girls who drive a van into rural small town America. There is plenty of teasing, flashing and sexual innuendos throughout the movie. The images during the sex are very grainy and the lighting is simply too bright at times. The best sex scene is the jailhouse lesbian orgy where “Ron Jon” takes on a Blondie while two girls take care of each other. With a little more creativity on the sex scenes and better image quality this film could have easily been a three-star affair. Unfortunately, the pretty talent is wasted where only the sexual hijinks and storyline stand out.
|Trouble With Young Stuff, The|
“The Trouble with this is -- EVERYTHING”…
Or, nearly everything. The only good thing about this movie is there is a lot of sex. Unfortunately, none of the sex you actually want to watch. It is a rarity to see this much sex in most 70s’ movies. I didn’t bother looking up the date of production but it sniffs fast and hard of 70s’ porn…and bad 70s’ porn. The females were all unappealing, most appeared to have a dead fox covering their foxholes and the storyline was weaker than the watered down Crystal Light my dad offers me every time I visit him. The setting appears (I fast forwarded a lot) to be in one home for the entire movie. Talk about boring. There are some extreme close-up shots on these hairy foxholes. I don’t care for these types of shots in modern porn and it was downright scary here. Other than lots of sex and group sex there was nothing remotely positive here.
|Kristara Barrington Wants It Bad!|
“A Decent Example of why Classics Rock!”
KRISTARA BARRINGTON – The girl isn’t the hottest Asian ever to star in porn but her body is all natural and nice to look at. Also, the fact that she is natural, tat-free and into the sex makes it all the better. Excluding the orgy scene the scenes are too short and transitions between positions are too quick to make this good whack material. The orgy scene features another Asian who may be GAILE getting some DP action and then the two guys take on her and Kristara. Soon after two blonde whities take on the guys. There wasn’t enough Kristara action but it was a nice scene regardless. I was fired up to see Kristara take on RON JEREMY and his timber but the doggie-style action was brief and camera angles were lousy. The video quality is pretty good with nominal issues at best. The whole piece seemed really short and definitely didn’t include her best stuff.
"Bring on the Golden Blondie"...
I knew it was a good sign when I (brunette lover) loved the lead blonde whitey actress, NANCY SUITER. She reminds me of some 80s' actress or singer but I can't place it (Aimee Mann? Deborah Harry?). JOHN HOLMES does this honey (equipped with a nice ass) doggie-style and smokes the donkey dong. The storyline here is pretty nice and scenes are more interesting than porn scenes of today. There is a decent jail cell sex scene and an above average gangbang/domination scene to conclude the movie. You don't see a domination/gangbang sex scene like this anymore. Quite possibly it is no longer "street legal" to do it in this fashion. Some dudes are fairly hung and some aren't and most girls are good looking. The gangbang finale was the hottest scene but could've been even hotter if the actors weren't all packed into such a tight frame of view. Also, Nancy needed to be involved in a MMF doggie-style horn-blow sequence during the finale gangbang. Overall, the visual quality is very good considering it is a 70s' movie. This movie reminds me why I love classic porn.
|Star Of The Orient|
“The Box Covers and Screen Shots Don’t Match Up”…
If you like what you see on the screen shots at the Sugar site go ahead and rent this. However, if you are “fired up” by the box cover, wipe tail on this wet turd. I never saw any of the Asian talent shown on the box covers. It “appears” that there “may” be up to three Asian actresses. In reality, there is one mediocre one who isn’t shown on the box cover but is shown on the screen shots. KYOTO GEE looks hot on the front box cover but I never saw her on film. The only pluses were that there was a lot of sex, submissive face pole jabbing with mouth cum shots and group sex was present. Various pole sizes, body types, hair colors add diversity to the picture but overall it wasn’t worthy of “peeling the onion”. There is too much cutting between scenes or leaving scenes incomplete. The lighting is mostly good for an older movie. In essence, I am very disappointed that I bought into the bullshard marketing via the box cover and ignored those truthful screen shots. “My bad”…I sharded it”.
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